Typing For Beer Money
I’ve been typing for 25 years— and even with four published books, it’s pretty much all been for beer money.
Why do I do it? Because I can’t not do it.
I chuckle when people say, “I’d love to be a writer.”
No, you don’t. You want to be creative enough to write a sequel to Go, Dog, Go!, but that’s it. Being “creative” just means living with a brain that won’t shut off until you subdue it with beer.
Two and a half decades… magazines, newspapers, newsletters—and a number of apology letters to hostesses, begging forgiveness for drinking all the scotch, eating the piece of wedding cake in the freezer, and getting stuck in the dryer..
Because my genre is non-fiction humor, I’ve been given mostly creative freedom regarding the topics I choose. Direction from editors is generally limited to, “Make fun of someone or something stupid. Oh, and be mean.”
Unfortunately, not all the assignments are actually paid assignments—and if it’s before Beer:30 and my storm-swept brain starts pondering something, I have to sit down and write it. It’s the only way I can get the topic unstuck from my brain. So, if no publisher has asked for them, I’ll publish them to make enemies on Facebook.
You’d be amazed at how long that enemies list is.
Actually, you won’t, once read some of my stuff.
Anyway, dive in. There’s a category labeled FREE, and in there you’ll find an article from most of the sub-sections offered. With that said, let me add that most of the categories are apolitical, and would be enjoyed by everyone from Nick Fuentes to Don Lemon. However, if you are even a tiny bit left-of-center, do not read any of the political stuff. I have enough enemies already without adding you.
You subscribe by clicking here.
Humor. These are largely non-fiction articles that make fun of the absurdity of the world around us, although there are plenty being mean to stupid people. Rated G.
Southern Humor. A few topics specific to residents of Dixie. Rated G.
Political satire. I’d guess 95% of these would be considered mean by leftists—but I’m more worried about the expiration date on my milk than what leftists think. Rated PG, for language.
Political analysis. These are the occasions when I “put into words” what you already know is true… I just happened to have the ability to take the things you know intuitively, then write them as convincing arguments. Think of me as your politically astute uncle at Thanksgiving, halfway through a bottle of scotch and raging about how we’re run by a parliament of whores. FYI, most of these are based on something that pisses me off, which is pretty much everything. Rated G.
Never forget what the bastards did. Here you’ll find pieces focused on specific political events in the past. Even after time has passed, outrage over these events should never wane. There are whole lot of dickheads that need to be in jail. Rated PG, for language.
Thoughts to ponder. This title is self-explanatory. Rated G.
Travel humor. This is longer forming stuff, about the lunacy of things like running with the bulls in Pamplona, skydiving, and hunting down a conman in Dallas. Gotta say, it’s hilarious stuff—so much so my agent (who hates everything) loved it, and shopped to the major publishing houses. Before he did, he told me, “Don’t get your hopes up—if it ain’t woke, they think it’s a joke.” Truer words have never been spoken. Rated G.
Books you want to have read, but don’t want to read. This is a humorous break-down of the classics—kill-me-before-reading books like Anna Karinina, As I Lay Dying, Beowulf, and Dante’s Divine Comedy. I break down the plot in a couple thousand words, then provide you with the insights needed to make people feel stupid at a cocktail party. I wrote it as a book, then remembered I don’t give a crap about getting published anymore. Rated G.
Christianity. This section is largely Christian “apologetics,” a fancy word for using facts to argue the faith is true, and provable. You might be surprised by the arguments that can be made. Rated G.
Achieving Happiness and Success, without getting off your fat ass. This too was written as a book—but it never stood a chance. The industry was too busy publishing bullshit like Chicken Soup for the Soul. Maybe PG based on the topics.
Family ancestry. Most Southerners have a family tree that bears some strange fruit, and letters found in the attic can prove to be quite eye-opening. As you’ll see from these letters, mine is no exception. Rated G.
Recent Finally, here’s where I’ll post about new stuff, usually because it’s pissing me off: News, Life, the Universe, and Everything. Because these items will be for this sub-stack, they will be Rated G or PG.
Music Videos. I’ve always enjoyed writing music lyrics, but most musicians understandingly want to use their own. After finding a garage-band sort of AI that allowed me to produce the music and choose a singer, I did some songs and videos. You’ll likely dig them.
Dispatches Along the Way. I once walked across Spain on the Camino de Santiago in pursuit of Happiness, Truth, and Cold Beer. This is what I thought and did during this supposedly fun thing I’ll never do again.
Everything your son needs to know was covered in in Lonesome Dove. I wrote this for my nephews, to be used as a guide while watching the mini-series. No humor… just me trying to help young men make their way in a world where they’re being passed over for jobs because their body parts remain intact. It’s published as one document, so if you like it you can copy and paste it into a Word Doc. Rated G.
Why subscribe?
Subscribe to get full access to the newsletter and publication archives.
Stay up-to-date
Never miss an update—every new post is sent directly to your email inbox. For a spam-free, ad-free reading experience, plus audio and community features, get the Substack app.
Join the crew
Be part of a community of people who share your interests. Participate in the comments section, or support this work with a subscription.
To learn more about the tech platform that powers this publication, visit Substack.com.
